Nehaal

Yes, the festival that random people go to, and mess about, and camp.

Which entails mud. And music. And Those Trusty Wellington Boots. Except that, I don't have any. But I'm sure I can invest in a pair.. possibly RED ones. Mmm.

I really want to go. Don't ask me why, I haven't thought too deeply about it. I just do.

Except - aside from the fact that my parents will never let me go - I don't know what to expect. Or what to pay. Or what.. anything.

SO if you know ANYone at all, ever, who has been to 'V' (recently, or back in 1996 or whenever...), could you ask (read: ORDER) them to get in touch with me? Or, alternatively, if you've been/want to go with me? :D

Thank you. Love etc xx

P.S. The 'determined' mood face is angry and 'I will kill you' ish.

I've had like, five months. Haven't even finished the plan yet. Think he may have a mild heart attack and/or collapse from shock when he finds this out. Poor little Biological man.

Things I Want To Do:

See Memoirs of a Geisha
See Brokeback Mountain
See Munich
(Movie whore?)
Go swimming
Go to Basildon and see my beautiful friends
And their friends.
Buy a shortish dress. With a skirt that flips a little
Become less of a shallow Evil Being
Read something intellectual (and interesting)
Write something (intellectual and interesting is a little much to hope for, let's not get ahead of ourselves)
Go ice-skating with Caroline
Eat a Dime bar. Hahahaa...
Audition for a play - get a part - be involved
CUT. MY. HAIR.
- Short.
Stop ignoring people in such a systematic manner (ignore them another way, ha..)
Stop eating Dime bars. Ah, the paradox.

Things I Need To Do:

Finish my Biology C/W
Do whatever random practise questions Miss Clarkson posted us (ugh)
Do Maths paper
Stop ignoring people
Stop eating Dime bars
Do my French h/w (or, as was suggested, shove it up her arse :D)
Do Chemistry sheets
Do Chemistry C/W
(Oh, fuck, forgot about all that..)
Stop panicking about how much work I have
Read some books by University lecturers so I can later impress them :S
Do my SATs. Sigh. All of them
Do some work experience
Do some... anything at all, really, outside myself
Stop biting my nails

Wow, bet that was boring.
It's for me, really. But still. I'm sorry for the boredom. I'll cross them off, one day.

Till then:

- Nehaal x

(haha, because AFTER then, I won't be Nehaal at all..)

That's a really harsh word, isn't it? I'm sorry.

NOVEMBER:
Trustworthy and loyal. Very passionate and dangerous. Wild at times. Knows how to have fun. Sexy and mysterious. Very skilled at making love. Everyone is drawn towards your inner and outer beauty and independent personality. Messy, playful, secretive. Very emotional and temperamental sometimes. Meets new people easily and very social in a group. Fearless and independent. Can hold their own. Stands out in a crowd. Essentially very smart. Usually, the greatest men are born in this month. If you ever begin a relationship with someone from this month, hold on to them because their one of a kind.

oh, their one of a kind, are they? Well that's very interesting. I wonder if they're one of a kind, too.

Sorry, I have serious issues with language and ... it's just that we come across there, their and they're sooo many different times a day, in so many contexts, that I just find it difficult to process why everyone doesn't stand around doing it perfectly. Especially when they get how to spell temperamental, essentially, and independent (most people put an 'a', right? I did.). Which is stupid of me, actually, because not everyone finds the same things easy - god wouldn't that be boring - I mean, I suck at any kind of sport, really, really badly. And I'm not that wonderful at picking up on practical skills that easily. I tend to panic and be all: AH. WAIT. SLOWLY YOU FREAKISH PIANO TEACHER.

And he's all: ... R- right... just.. try to calm down...

Hehehe.
Poor little guy.

I just had my first piano lesson in about 6 months.

Bye now.

Isn't that stupid?

People have too much of an effect on me.

I should become a Buddhist monk...

Or any kind of monk, really, it's just the aloofness from society and general meditation thing.

But first I should get lobotomised, like in 'From Hell'.

Really. Odd. Movie. That.

Mmm I will not plan this, I will not plan this piece of writing and I will not ensure that it makes sense or that people are moved and touched by it.

I don't like to look as though I'm deliberately trying to move and touch people. Although I think everyone has done that at some point in their lives. I have issues with it. Anyway, I'm not. I'm not deliberately trying to move and touch you, whoever you are, and I'm not trying to move and touch anyone else, either, because I have nothing to say to them. Let's just try, for once, to be honest and not oversimplify anything.

I refuse to be dragged downwards, and I refuse to be dragged back. But if no one drags me anywhere, I tend not to pull away, so.. the net movement tends to be either in a backwards direction, or nonexistent. This points to the theory that I, in fact, appreciate being dragged back, as it provides the impetus to move forward, and I lack motivation on my own (usually). Which suggests that I like to be dragged backwards or downwards, in a certain, blanket use of the word 'like'. But now I'm just simplifying things to fit them into categories and that's mildly disgusting.

I just feel that it would be far too easy to get stuck here, to get lazy, to get crazy - go insane. Then I would be like that. And I would have people looking at me and becoming mildly depressed. And wanting to help me, but finding that they really can't. At all. And that it comes down to the fact that I needed the motivation a long time ago, and now they couldn't provide it if they tried. Maybe people already become mildly depressed. Maybe that doesn't matter to me as much as I think it ought to.

I'd like to think that it's true to say that I'm surrounded by people whose intellectual power is too simplistic to provide any sort of inspiration to anyone, least of all me, given my obsessive need for motivation. I'd like to think that because it removes me of all blame in this situation. It removes the need for me to make an effort with them or even with most of my friends, the ones you're going to think were close to me (and I guess they were) - why should I? Why are they worth bothering with, anyway? Which is the complete opposite of the slightly subconsciously-humanitarian view I had of everything just a little while ago, but something's embittered me, and I'm blaming you. Uh, whoever you are, right.

Spent the night at Becca's place, with Shelly, and Daffyd, Rebecca's new homme du jour.

That's a lie, he's a little more permanent than that - plus there was never really a previous homme du anything, so.

He didn't stay over, either. So it was just me, Becca, and Shelly, talking about random things as though we weren't seventeen but in fact, more like eleven. Spoke a lot about Mr. Caaambridge, ThiSky (this guy) at Shelly's school who I don't know, and Daffyd, who I had just met, how It Doesn't Make Any Sense, Kill Bill isn't as horrendous as we'd all imagined it, and The Dating Game is ridiculous. I don't agree with it anyway. Stupid rules that stupid people follow.

I think you have to just do it your way. I don't understand why people want to know what the *accepted* ways of doing things are - why make everything so regulated? I can't even live like that. Still can't tell them about most parts of my life, but at least they were easily distracted by talk about Beautiful People.

We're trying to have a Charity Party (like a Charity Ball, but more good.) Which I - am actually losing the will to live.
Whoa, mood swings. Anyway. It'll be good. Hopefully. Apparently we need some sort of licensed blah to pull it off, so we might not be able to do that... but you never know.
You must come. And pay to get in. :P Hey come on, there is a limit to how much I love you.
Any advice on how to go about this would be GREATLY appreciated.
We figured we'd charge £10 to get in, is that too much?
And we can just randomly .. stay up all night. Lol I'm a freak. I have some weird ideas. But staying awake is fuuun.

I'll have to talk to you later, I'm feeling particularly overtaxed for no real reason.
Bye,

- Nehaal x

Bored out of mind, literally I think, as I am talking utter pointless (and frightening - and quite often tasteless) batbollocks to everyone I know.
Everyone.
I'm also a little sleep-deprived, so I shall be going to sleep ... nowish. In a minute.
One. Minute. Wait, no. I'm not getting into that. I'm tired. So, there.
See, crap.

Stuck in Peterborough, with less-than-enviable company and a variety of electronic machines beeping and flashing around me to tell me that there are people, somewhere on the globe, that WANT to talk to me. Gee, that's just peachy, but it's not really the same as *talking* to them. Or - say - seeing them. In person. And thinking: all right, this is a relationship. I'm not talking a romantic relationship (just clarifying, because that seems to be what the word 'relationship' implies to most/all of my friends), just - any kind of relationship at all - these things can't just be based on msn and over the phone and email, exclamations-of-"w00t!"-inducing though these media can be.

So that's what I mean. I haven't seen most of my friends (though, okay, not all) for months. Years, some of them. It's totally inane, I don't like it. I have senseless wackjobs for company (although yes, okay, the term 'wackjob' does imply senselessness) and I'm going off to the fucking USA where I have OH so many friends. Yup, and cousins and family that I simply a-DORE and could not live without.
But I've been living without them for years, you say? Rubbish! I carry them everywhere, they shrink and climb into my pocket and go to school with me for to learn.. Bah, humbug.
Sarcasm, you see. It makes me feel bitter and twisted, but oddly pleasant.

And Peterborough's so DEAD and I haven't met more than one person worthy of: having an extended conversation with;sneaking off to do Things That Even My Friends Disapprove Of With; /lying in the grass *ignoring*- over the last two weeks in this goddamned town. CITY. Sorry.
It rakes you into its quaint-seeming "look we have a centuries-old cathedral, come and pretend to worship That Which We Will Continue To Insist Exists in it whilst secretly taking forbidden pictures of the random displays about basket-weaving!" facade, and then you sit, sort of sleepily, for years and years (or that's what it feels like, but it will probably, in reality, only be about a week and a half) until you realise, upon waking (or whatever - looking out of the window; trying to find somewhere to go and realising that, goshdarnit, you've been everywhere. Literally. Everywhere) that your sleepiness was in fact a mild, boredom-induced COMA and that now you're up and out of it you can't wait to get the hell out. Of this place.

And the coma comes back, every now and then. After the beginning of Year 11 had got.. out of the way.. the coma returned and attacked me and forced this vague sort of depression over everyone (or maybe it's just me, maybe everyone else near me was still at the coma stage - they seemed crazier, actually, so maybe there's a third stage I've never got to? HEY maybe I'm there now! I'm SO ecstatic!).  The sort of depression where you're not sure if there even is anything wrong with you, or it's just you being "normal" (yeah, whatever) and that's why it feels odd, but if you find yourself sitting too still, or not talking for long periods of time (e.g. in the company of over-zealous friends who are most irritating in current mood but tolerable in vague-depression stage), the corners of your mouth start to droop and your back begins to curve as you hunch up into a typical Old Depressed Hobo Man position, unnoticeable until said over-zealous friend asks you what's wrong, to which you - of course - reply: "Nothing.", at which point they, being over-zealous, probe into your affairs and put on a maternal you-can-tell-Mummy expression which may have worked on the three- to eight-year-olds they have babysat in the past, but, perhaps perversely?, only stirs in you an overwhelming desire to pull out the bottle of whisky you don't have in your bag and down it in three gulps, just to see if they're that much like your mother...

Unfortunately, I have never tried this technique, first for the reason that they do, most of them, tend to be that much like my mother: "Nehaal! Oh my God! Underaged drinking!... she's lost it, I'd better call the police/her parents/the Vatican/the local Madrassa - it's for her own good..." And secondly, because I don't keep bottles of whisky or - alcoholic substances in general - in my bag, really, my motives for which are open to conjecture. 

But really. You couldn't tell them what was wrong even if you did appreciate any help to set you on the straight and narrow to sublime, saintly happiness - because that is the nature of this depression. You don't even realise that there IS anything wrong. Or maybe that's just me and people more in tune with their Inner-self-absorbed-Child would realise. I realise that that statement is extremely rich coming from me given my eight paragraphs of Self Absorbed Crap, and the fact that I can be incredibly immature (forty is, I'm sure, a nice age to be, but given the advances in modern medicine and the people who are going to Grow Up Clevah, Like, Tah Be Doctors I'll reach it later), but it's still true that I haven't realised what this depression crap is about.
I'm not depressed, now, I'm just desperate and slightly cynical and harsh.
Talk to me, and I won't say horrible things to you. Well they might be horrible grammatically, and also fairly nonsensical, but there are worse things in life. And you might be able to laugh at them, or at me, later, and the chance to mock someone is never willingly passed up so I assume people must like having that, and So. There is a reason to talk to me. Amazing. And you thought I couldn't spin gold.
Fooled you, huh?

I have to go.
I still live with totalitarian parents, who can't sleep before me because, gawsh, then they might not know the exact moment at which I laid down my head!
So, bye.

I'm so lame, honestly. And I have a dying and spyware-ridden computer that's feebly sending out distress signals via it's refusal to actually WORK properly. I don't know why I didn't see the signs. Oh wait, that's right, I was BURIED UNDER THREE FEET OF PAPER at the time.

I always knew I would drown in paper - I just never thought it would be this soon. Anyway, back to my lame-ness.


Which Blake Holsey High character are youuuuu?
brought to you by Quizilla

As if, man. Oh well, it's better than being Lucas. We don't like him, much. He's twitchy. Much like myself. Sigh.

NOBODY understands these things, because nobody watches my TV programmes because NOBODY is as lame as me. But, also, nobody and I get along pretty well and they send me brainwaves which, translated into sane-person speech, mean nothing! So it's all good!

Yeah I don't have anything much to say. Talk to me, people, you know you want to.
Unless, of course, you don't.
I'm so neurotic, it's unreal.
And I need to get out of this place.
Why is everyone at school? LEAVE, people, come ON.
I kid. Don't tell your parents it was my idea.

BYE.

eerie voice: I'm baaa-aaack.

I saw Shark Tale the other day.  Was very funny.

-"Don't worry, a lot of white fish can't do it, yo."
-"What yo?"
-"Yo! Yo yo! Yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo, yo, yo yo!"
-"I'll 'yo' you!"
-"Sorry."

Me and my cousin were cracking up. Crazily. In a paralysing fashion.

Crazy Joe: "And I'm his financial advisor!"
             silence
Everybody: stares at Joe
Crazy Joe: "Heyy, want to see my puppets?" gets out puppets

That movie rules. Sorry. Anyway.

There's this alarm in my house that goes on permanently. It's defective. And the alarm company are shut/dead/"occupied" in some way until the 4th. Makes revision difficult. Not that I'm revising. I mean, I AM, but not right now. I have an extensive timetable that allows me very little free time, which would be FINE except that I stayed up till 5:04a.m (lol yes I timed it) doing a maths paper. Got 76%. Wonder why!

The new year depressofies me. It's so... new. I felt like crying at 12am this morning, and my cousin did too for no particular reason. But i didn't because I was laughing too hard. But it was like, painful laughter. ominous stare YOU KNOW THE KIND.
Or not.
Anyway, yes. New Years are depressing.

Ehehehehe:
"I'm chillax- chillin- chillafying." -- sorry. Random quote.

K so I stole this off Nisha; I hope she doesn't mind. I have, if it counts, TOLD her I'm stealing it off her. .. Yes I know, it really doesn't count, does it? Sigh.

"test inspired by following_blue  and amethystian
((I love rich text mode))

Step 1: Put your media player on random.
Step 2: Pick your favorite lines from the first 20 songs that play.
Step 3: Post and let everyone you know guess what song the lines come from.
Step 4: Cross out the songs when someone guesses correctly and give them credit.

No cheating and using a search engine to help you! Just do what you recognize."

1 -- "We'll start over again. Grow ourselves new skin. Get a house in Devon. Drink cider from a lemon lemon lemon lemon lemon... (etc)"

2 -- "I got to rise above the emotional flood, got to cut this ropes around my hands - pull myself around."

3 -- "Get messy. Loud and sick. Your mind past normal, on another head trip."

4 -- "Another turning-point, a fork stuck in the road. Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go."

5 -- "They've got their surfboards, and they're going to the discotheque a go go."

6 -- "They make me, make me scream your screams."

7 -- "I'll be there as soon as I can, but I'm busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before."

8 -- "It's not a cry you can hear at night - it's not somebody who's seen the light; it's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah."

9 -- "What's with the jokes, all the routines they play- screw with my head, never cave in 'til they have their way."

10 -- "You're something beautiful; a contradiction. I want to play the game; I want the friction."

11 -- spoken: "wish you were really hear listening to me. Because I'm telling you the truth. I realize I'm okay! (Trust me.)"

12 -- "The girl with crimson nails has Jesus round her neck."

13 -- "Pah-pah-pah-pah, pa-pah-pah-pa-pah, pa-pah - I wanna be sedated."

14 -- "It's like a dream. No end and no beginning. You're here with me"

15 -- "I am a mountain. I am a tall tree -oooh. I am a swift wind, sweeping the country." hahahahahahahahahaha stupid song.

16 -- "Another protester has crossed the line, to find the money's on the other side."

17 -- "Seems like each time I'm with you, I lose my mind because I'm bending over backwards to relate."

18 -- "thinkin' she's superwoman - or black Kryptonite. Finish whatever you start, son - the best lookin' crimefighter since myself in part one."

19 -- "I feel stupid and contagious--Here we are now, entertain us"

20 -- "I kept it all inside, and though I tried, it all felt apart. What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of the time I tried so hard"

I defy ANY of you to have a randomer music taste than me. There was a busted song. But I dislike Busted. So... yes. Fwahahahahaha.

Guess, my pretties, GUESS!

- Nehaal x

Life is scary...

Am confused over whether or not to go to Impington now that all has been said, done, and altered (i.e. the timetables/blocking for subjects for Yr 12 next year, at impington. God that was a long bracket. Is, I mean).

Also I am in a Drama group with this Kayleigh girl, this Ashleigh girl, and this Gigi girl. Can work with Gigi, but am wondering how we can do that whole thing where she gets the most out of our final piece, because of the language barrier, and the TOTAL (yet also only occasional) shitheadedness of the other two. Ash isn't shitheaded, just.. lacks imagination.
And I'm the only person to be put in a group with no one I chose to be with in it. Crap sentence, that. Anyway what I mean is, we all wrote down two or three people we wanted to be in a group with, and one person that we didn't want to be in a group with. Then our Drama teacher said she would put us with at LEAST one person that we chose to work with. And I put down three people, and said that I didn't mind working with any of them, and I'm not with any of them. Which is annoying, because it is possible that I am the only one in this new group who is open to new ideas, and actually wants to work for *literally* the top grade. Because Kayleigh would like to get 40/40 but lacks the ability to work as hard as she will need to, and gets all "I'm not doing that, it's stupid."

Fuck, nobody wants to hear that. ITs not even the issue or point of this post. It's just something that's totally not in the forefront of my mind but I ramble about it anyway to put off the point.

I have been banned from the internet, apparently, for anything other than work. And even that means "you can use the COMPUTER to work" but not necessarily the internet. Do not expect to be able to speak to me that way, and don't email me very much please. I mean if it's important sure, but email the ntlworld address. Cheers.

Also, shouldn't be on here. And I just RAN to school to get these keys so I could open the door so that my brother could have his lesson with his tutor - only to find that the tutor isn't even coming. Or I don't know if he is, but he hasn't come. Stupid unprofessional man. Surely one would RING???

Gaah, I'm such a snob. But he's a pain. I can't feel my legs it's so cold outside. And my heart like stopped because I'm so unfit. Sigh.

Moan moan moan, that's all I do :P

Just REALLY fucking frustrated, and ANNOYED.

I can't even handle anything any more. I want to cry and scream and break people, but all I really end up doing is sitting there RAMBLING about NOTHING. Which I do not want to be doing. I have to go and do my french presentation now, plus I think I hear my dad coming. I'll talk to you later, all of you, any of you.. whoever.

bye! xx